


resonance

by INCONTINENTIA BUTTOCKS (cultjours)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Not too heavy, Panic Attacks, nomin, vague background story, vague implications of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 06:14:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17441477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cultjours/pseuds/INCONTINENTIA%20BUTTOCKS
Summary: jeno comes home but he couldn't remember pretty boy's name





	resonance

**Author's Note:**

> please check the tags before reading unu
> 
> it's not that heavy cause i can't do that to myself.
> 
> -hera

  


“number 1236,” a voice fades in and a click of recognition registers in his mind before ‘1236’ flutters his eyes open. the color of his pupils gradually changes from the grey it initially was to blue and to green as if it’s adjusting to which color would fit him best until finally, it settles at hazel brown.

 

the same voice that woke him up says “activate” which shakes him out of whatever spell he was in. he rapidly blinks, his eyes moving around.

 

instinctively, he moves his head to his right.

 

a man in a long white robe is jotting something down, not sparing him a glance.

 

he moves his head to his left and sees a woman in the same white robe the man on his other side is wearing, bowing her head at him as a brief greeting. he tilts his head at her before giving his surroundings a better look to find himself suspended on what seems to be a bed--except this one has him propped up on his feet, almost standing up straight--on top of a podium.

 

“lift your hands,” commanded the man on his right and he does as he is told, staring at his own fingers as he folds and unfolds them. he feels his knuckles cracking. the same happens to the joints in his wrists as he rotates them. the man tells him to step off the podium which he also complies to without question.

 

it feels foreign to walk as if he’s never done so before. what’s odd is that from an outsider’s point of view, it probably doesn’t look like he’s new to this at all.

 

“what’s your name?” the man asks.

 

he searches in the back of his mind. he searches and searches in the depths of his thoughts. he closes his eyes in hopes of finding it. instead of at least a word, images flash behind his eyelids.

 

images of people.

 

images of places.

 

images of the sky.

 

images of trees.

 

images of a beautiful smile. a smile directed at him.

 

he couldn’t make out enough details of the face with a smile so pretty for him to see who it may be--much to his disappointment. but he makes sure to keep that smile in mind and to tuck it into a special place in his heart.

 

and then it clicks.

 

“my name is… lee jeno.”

 

 _jeno_ doesn’t notice the man grinning to himself, releasing the breath he seems to have been holding the whole time. his voice is shaky when he finally says, “you’re ready.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

 

 

the city air has deemed itself a bit too much for jeno now that he’s experienced the air where most of the trees are. he insisted to have the window to his side be opened so he could enjoy the breeze. it reminded him of something. yet he doesn’t remember exactly what it is. but he has a feeling that soon, everything will come back to him.

 

at least that’s what doyoung promised him.

 

the very second he laid his eyes on the man in the white robe just after he learned his own name, a lot of things came back to him: the man being doyoung who was basically a brother to him his whole life. he’s told him endless stories throughout the ride which he willingly and curiously listened to, learning about himself more and more; different names making their way to his memories like he’s always known them the more he listened.

 

“where are we going?” he asks doyoung.

 

“home,” the older briefly answers. “give me your hand.” he says, offering his own hand to the younger.

 

jeno takes the older’s hand and it doesn’t take a second for him to feel a sting. his sight blurs for a moment and his breathing quickens. he feels a huge amount of discomfort before he relaxes not too long after.

 

not understanding what just happened, jeno gives doyoung a puzzled look which the older seemed to have understood as he gives him a reassuring smile.

 

“you’re free.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

jeno soon finds himself standing in front of a seemingly peaceful house right by a rose garden. he thought it was the most beautiful sight he’s ever seen. until he remembers that smile.

 

he doesn’t know what made him go here. he doesn’t know how he even knows where this place is. he just saw it in the back of his mind like a flash as doyoung lets him out of the car they were riding and suddenly he’s walking.

 

not looking back.

 

and now he’s here, reaching for the doorbell and is just about to ring it when the door suddenly flies open.

 

the person who opened the door seems to have been in a rush as he clashes right against jeno, some of the fruits in his basket falling off to the ground. he grunts out a few curses as he watches the fruits roll away.

 

“y-,” he opens his mouth just to close it again the very next second when he looked up. his eyes widen and jeno notices the recognition that flashes through them. “jeno..?”

 

at the sound of his name, jeno grins and nods. he then takes note of the melancholic smile the other gives him. he has a pretty smile too. but not quite like _that_ smile.

 

he’s still looking forward to seeing it. but where does he look?

 

he squats down to pick up the fruits that sadly fell to ground, putting them back into the basket the other is holding. he sees how the other is staring at him but chooses not to ask.

 

“come inside. i-,” he clears his throat. “i baked some cookies.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

 

“donghyuck,” jeno calls out to get said guy’s attention and notices him--who’s back is currently facing jeno across the kitchen island--freeze. he shrugs it off and continues to talk with his mouth full. “these cookies are still as good as i remember them!”

 

to his surprise, _donghyuck_ whips around to face him, his eyes shaky as if he’s trying to blink away some tears. he hurriedly approaches him. “give me your hand.”

 

“hm?,” he questions. why would donghyuck need his hand? and why is he being weird?

 

“just- give it to me,” donghyuck whines.

 

he eventually gives the other his hand, watching his face shift into what seems to be a realization. “you.. who.. who brought you here?”

 

jeno was about to open his mouth to respond when he was interrupted by donghyuck clapping his hand against his own mouth as if he just remembered something.

 

“oh my god what do i- what do we say to--,” donghyuck frantically mutters under his breath before stopping himself to look at jeno and groaning. “finish all of the cookies.”

 

and then he’s gone off to somewhere.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

jeno does finish the cookies. now he feels full. it’s kind of weird how it’s as if he hasn’t eaten for the longest time. but now it’s like he’s eaten too much so maybe he should go ahead to the toilet and let it out.

 

except the toilet is occupied.

 

the door is locked, but it’s too quiet inside. what if whoever was in there is dead and if jeno couldn’t make sure they’re still alive then he wouldn’t be able to live through the day.

 

so he knocks on the door.

 

once.

 

twice.

 

thri-

 

“donghyuck it’s obviously occupied! leave me alone!,” the muffled voice from the other side shouts. jeno snickers.

 

“this isn’t donghyuck.”

 

silence.

 

“what did you say?” the person inside sputters.

 

“i’m not donghyuck, i said.” jeno replies, amused.

 

another silence engulfs them until there’s some shuffling inside that soon got near the door before it unlocks and opens ever so slowly as if whoever is on the other side is trying to check if it’s safe to do so.

 

once the door is opened wide enough, jeno can see a guy probably his age too. he’s around the same height as donghyuck but still a little bit smaller than him. the guy gasps, almost closing the door again but jeno’s foot blocks it.

 

the other guy shrieks.

 

“oh my fucking god! leave me alone! you can’t kill me!,” he screams as he repeatedly slammed the door with jeno’s foot still blocking the way making him wince in pain as he removed it. the door closes with a loud noise that makes jeno jump and the screaming doesn’t stop.

 

jeno scratches his head. “renjun! open the door!”

 

 _renjun_. he doesn’t question where that came from. it’s just as if he’s always known--because he probably has. just like donghyuck’s name and who donghyuck is and how they met. it’s been happening to him all day so he’s just learned to adapt to it, adjusting to the memories that had been hidden away for an amount of time he doesn’t have a precise measure of.

 

the screaming halts and jeno worries that renjun passed out from panic. but the other opens the door again, peeking through the small gap with round eyes. “you… remember me?”

 

jeno shrugs. “i just did.”

 

he observes the way renjun released a long breath of what is obviously relief which he again doesn’t question. he didn’t have the chance to as he felt his stomach get angrier every second.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

“how many of us have you seen here today so far?,” renjun curiously stares at him from where he’s sitting in the bathtub, his legs dangling over the edge. jeno’s face is probably contorting in so much pain as he curls up on the toilet seat, trying to push out the bad _vibes_ off his system. what was in those cookies?

 

“just you and hyuck-,” he grunts, another fart resounding around the walls of the bathroom. renjun gives him a pitiful look.

 

“and how many of those cookies did you eat?”

 

jeno gives him a tight-lipped smile. “everything that was left.”

 

the other shakes his head, laughing. “trust me. i know how you feel.”

 

he scoffs, “i bet.”

 

“i think he made those cookies to prank me,” renjun mumbles, fiddling with the pyjamas he’s wearing.

 

jeno doesn’t question why donghyuck would prank renjun because _of course he would_ . but his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “why would he make me eat them then? he made me eat them _all_!”

 

renjun peers at him for a moment before settling for an answer. “to make time i guess?”

 

“make time for what-”

 

jeno is interrupted by a shout coming from outside. it’s donghyuck.

 

“HUANG RENJUN!!!”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

it took a couple more hours for jeno’s suffering to end. renjun had left jeno when donghyuck called for him. the latter just walked casually into the bathroom without sparing him a glance even as he tried to ask him questions through his gritted teeth to pull renjun up to his feet and out the bathroom.

 

“see you later, jen!,” he remembers renjun shout at him.

 

pulling his pants back up, he lets out a relieved breath. then he walks out of the room after thoroughly washing his hands. deep down inside, something’s telling him that someone would nag at him if he didn’t wash his hands--someone he’s certain he’s also supposed to see today.

 

and as if fate has heard his thoughts, he is met with a different face when he went out of the bathroom and down the hall.

 

a very pretty face. he is tall and has big, soft eyes, a button nose and thin pouty lips.

 

jeno feels his heart thump in his chest. he’s looking for a name. but he can’t seem to find it. he didn’t have to think to remember donghyuck’s name. he didn’t have to force anything out of his memories when he remembered renjun’s. this time, he feels a type of need to know his name.

 

it’s not like he shouldn’t know his name. because he _should_. his mind has definitely played a few memories with this person. all of which aren’t very complete. but he’s certain that it’s him.

 

“w- what are you doing here?,” the other stutters. jeno frowns as he discerns the way he looks at him. it’s not completely an unreadable expression but there’s something... _painful_ about it.

 

“i.. had a bad case of diarrhea,” jeno says under his breath. the other blinks at him.

 

“tha-”

 

the pretty guy, who’s name he’s supposed to remember, gets interrupted when donghyuck suddenly appears right between the two of them with his back facing jeno.

 

“jeno just arrived earlier! we didn’t know he was coming..” donghyuck explains. he seems to be in panic and jeno doesn’t understand why he would be. though for some reason, the pretty boy seems to understand whatever it is. he exhales before walking away.

 

jeno watches as he looks back. his eyes were glassy and he feels the urge to run after him but he’s gone.

 

“jeno..,” he hears donghyuck start. jeno looks at him and sees the way his face changes as if he wants to say something. “i.. your room’s ready. you know where it is.”

 

the way he hesitates to leave tells jeno that’s not what he wanted to tell him.

 

and it leaves jeno staying up late thinking about it. including the pretty boy.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

the chirping of birds wakes jeno up from his dream which he barely remembers. he finds that he has quite a hard time managing his memories lately--or at least, since yesterday.

 

speaking of which, he only now realizes he doesn’t have any sort of recollection about what happened the day before yesterday. he tries to recall anything. but nothing was coming to him but a painful headache.

 

he decides taking a walk under the morning sun would do him good. maybe it’ll help him remember better.

 

while going down the stairs, he smells the scent of breakfast and hears the sound of soft humming from the kitchen. he’s not too hungry but the smell really is inviting.

 

he guesses he’ll take the walk after breakfast.

 

he walks over to the kitchen and is met with donghyuck who almost jumps at his sudden entrance. jeno chuckles.

 

“good morning”

 

donghyuck sighs in utter relief, “good morning. will you please call injun? tell him breakfast is ready.”

 

he nods. “alright!”

 

as he was about to go and find renjun, jeno was reminded of a pretty face and glassy eyes. “oh!,” he exclaims. “what about… uh..”

 

“about?,” the other gives him a quizzical look as he continues to set the table for them. if jeno looked close enough he would notice the glint of hope in his eyes.

 

jeno scratches his nape. he still doesn’t remember his name. it’s starting to irritate him. “um..”

 

“i’m here.”

 

donghyuck clicks his tongue, giving him a concerned gaze. “you better remember his name soon, jen.”

 

pretty boy barely spares him any acknowledgment as he walks over to take a seat. “where’s junnie?”

 

jeno’s ears perk up at that. “oh yeah! i’ll call him!”

 

he sprints up the stairs to where he remembers renjun’s room is and fails to catch donghyuck reaching over to squeeze pretty boy’s hand.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

breakfast went well and donghyuck’s cooking is still as he remembered. just like the cookies from yesterday--except for the diarrhea it caused.

 

the sight of the rose garden has been inviting him in since he arrived at the house. maybe this time he’ll give in to the invitation and check it out.

 

the way the sunlight shines down on the bushes and the roses gives them an aura that jeno would probably be able to describe best in the form of an ode.

 

walking down the path amongst the beautiful flowers reminds him of paradise. he can’t help but feel like he’s in some sort of a dream. except this one is real.

 

anyone these days would want to be in his place.

 

but he still can’t seem to stop himself from feeling incomplete as the beautiful smile keeps fading into the depths of his daydreams.

 

“he planted a rose for every single day you didn’t come home.” a familiar voice behind him utters softly. it was loud enough for jeno to hear. it’s the pretty boy. “he waited for you.”

 

jeno turns his head and sees him. he’s still wearing the same white long-sleeved shirt he’d been wearing since breakfast and he has a straw hat on. and a blank expression.

 

“who?,” jeno asks.

 

pretty boy could only give him a shrug. “you should tell me next time if you want to check out the garden.”

 

his face flushes, he can now feel the heat of the sun even more than before as the other hands another straw hat over to him. he gratefully wears it over his head and keeps in mind that he should approach the other more. maybe then he’ll remember his name. hopefully.

 

“are you over your diarrhea?”

 

he chokes, “y- yeah. i’m not gonna drop bombs here, don’t worry!”

 

pretty boy raises an eyebrow and shakes his head. “oh no. you can totally shit here more than anywhere”

 

jeno’s jaw drops and he stares at the other’s retreating figure. “oh! you mean like a fertilizer!”

 

the other laughs. jeno would’ve loved to see his face but he could only see him from behind. “come on, genius. i’ll show you around.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

jeno learned a lot about flowers today, particularly roses. the whole garden isn’t all just red roses. it also had other colors like white, yellow and pink. he learned that each one of them has their own meaning. just like how red means love and pink means joy.

 

he learned a lot about himself.

 

talking to the nameless boy was probably the most peaceful he has ever been since he returned to the house. though, he still has no idea about why he himself even disappeared, at least he’s started to _feel_ more and more himself each moment that passed by.

 

after what the boy had told him about how the garden came about, he couldn’t stop himself from counting every rose bush they walked by. he didn’t see how the other was watching him with loving eyes. only after the walk did he realize that he wasn’t as discreet as he thought he was being.

 

“how many are they?,” pretty boy asked him when they got back inside the house.

 

he failed to count them but judging by how wide the garden is, it seems it was built for a very long time.

 

and he wonders how much love for him does one have to have for them to wait that long.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

he starts to notice that he’s counting the days.

 

it’s been exactly a week and two days since he arrived to the house. still, he couldn’t put a finger on a name that pretty boy has. he’s heard renjun or donghyuck mention his name a lot but it’s always muffled. very unclear. he grows more and more frustrated each time.

 

regardless, jeno has managed to grow so close to him.

 

or maybe they’ve always been this way.

 

everything is just so natural and _easy_ with him. it’s as if it doesn’t have to take too much for anything to work out. they both always tend to the rose garden especially every morning. he got the chance to hear some stories he’s definitely never heard before. he’s also eaten a lot of his cooking--all of which he’s sure he’s gotten the chance to try way back. and he’s sure he has always loved each and every single one of them.

 

despite all of that, not once has he seen him smile. he has seen him smirk or even just slightly lift the corner of his lips. but a full genuine smile that reaches his eyes? not yet.

 

jeno wonders what could be stopping him.

 

maybe that’s why he’s counting the days. he’s counting how long it will take for him to see him smile; how long it will take for him to call him by his name.

 

he’s beginning to get convinced that the same smile that’s been stuck in his head and carefully tucked in his heart is the smile that only _this pretty boy_ would own. he thinks it would make so much sense.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

the sound of kitchen utensils clanking and the sizzling of the frying pan is what he hears other than the sounds and voices coming from the drama he’s watching on the television.

 

it takes him approximately 20 minutes to get bored of the plot. he then takes the remote control that’s been resting on his thigh and changes the channel until he finds one that catches his interest--which happens to be the news.

 

it completely has his attention as he sees a familiar face on the screen. he wouldn’t mistake that face with anyone. he’s someone he remembers to take care of him when they were both young and lost. he is someone he could call his brother.

 

“The Hero of the Millenium,” it reads.

 

“doyoung hyung..,” he whispers. the news has jeno listening very carefully now. they’re flashing images that are strikingly familiar to him. every word the news anchor is saying is starting to sound like a bunch of nonsense to him because all he could hear is muffled blabber ish words. all he could focus on are the _labs_ , the white and the gray. it’s _so_ monotone and it hurts. it hurts like it brings him back to a horrible time.

 

he finally remembers the last five years that he missed. the last five years that were hidden in the back of his mind. the memories of having to leave his home to find a job in the city; having to suffer doing what he thought was his dream; having people take away his soul so they can do what they want; all of those memories coming back is too much for him to handle that he doesn’t realize how much he’s shaking.

 

he sees donghyuck in his peripheral vision watching the news with wide eyes but he couldn’t seem to reach him. he tries to breathe and donghyuck notices. he glances back at jeno and gasps. he shouts a name but he couldn’t hear.

 

he can feel donghyuck’s arms around him now. and that’s when the darkness engulfs him.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

it’s dark.

 

just like every morning in the city.

 

his heart pounds and he could already feel the pain he’s going to have to endure the whole day. a pain he couldn’t physically feel. a pain that he could only think about. an ‘invalid’ pain. they call it invalid because it’s all in his head. maybe he’s just going insane. maybe he’s malfunctioning. the pain not everyone will understand because they don’t see any wounds or bruises.

 

but it’s the pain that makes him want to live less.

 

he doesn’t want to wake up. he doesn’t want to open his eyes. if he doesn’t wake up, he wouldn’t have to be in pain. maybe it will stop hurting.

 

“he saw it on the news and then- he started shaking and he was crying and he was- i was scared!” a panicky voice manages to slip into the dark. it sounds like it’s coming from far away but the more the voice spoke, the closer it got. until it becomes 100% clear in his ears.

 

“wh- what do you think they did to him?”

 

_donghyuck._

 

he remembers again: it’s donghyuck. relief washes over him as he realizes this is not the city.

 

this is home.

 

then he hears a sniffle.

 

“don’t.. i don’t want to think about it,” another voice mutters. it sounds like he’d been crying. but past all of that, it sounds just like the home he always dreamt about back in the city.

 

it hurts that he still couldn’t remember his name.

 

slowly, he opens his eyes.

 

his eyelids somewhat feel heavy and he lets out a grunt of discomfort at the way his body hurts. the first thing he sees is the pretty boy staring down at him before he quickly averts his gaze and moves behind donghyuck who hurriedly leans a little closer.

 

“oh my god, jen- how.. how are you feeling now?,” he gently whispers to him.

 

jeno doesn’t respond instantly as he’s a little preoccupied observing the pretty boy who has his back turned on him, his arms wrapped around his own frame as he occasionally brings his hand up to wipe what seems to be tears off his face.

 

jeno purses his lips in worry. “i feel.. a little better.”

donghyuck hums. jeno looks up at him and he sees the conflict in his eyes. “what is it?”

 

“i-”

 

jeno knows he’s trying to say something but was cut off by his own sobs. so he patiently waits for him to continue.

 

“can i hug you?,” he finally says. it doesn’t take a moment for jeno to open his arms for him, despite the pain surging through his muscles.

 

donghyuck immediately dives into his arms, letting out uncontrollable sobs. jeno wraps his arms around him and pats his back.

 

“i’ve been keeping it in since you came back-,” he hiccups in between his wailing. “b- because i know it wouldn’t help if any of us ruined the order e-even if it’s over now… it’s not.. it’s not over for you and you’re still hurting.”

 

jeno hushes him. “it’s alright, donghyuck. i’m fine.”

 

“oh shit- right!,” donghyuck pulls away and wipes his tears. “you haven’t had your dinner. i’ll go ahead and get it for you, okay? hold on!”

 

he watches the other close the door, leaving him alone with pretty boy who’s still avoiding his gaze. he squints and notices his lower lip quivering. he hears a faint sob which he chooses to be quiet about since the other clearly didn’t want him to hear it.

 

“aren’t you going to hug me?,” he jokes instead.

 

he does get a snort from him though.

 

pretty boy sniffles and walks over to where he’s laying down on the bed. instead of a hug (not that he was expecting), the other fixes the blanket that’s now wrapped around only the lower half of his body.

 

“you’re not getting a hug--,” he mumbles. “--not until you remember my name.”

 

there’s a noticeable lilt of mischief in his voice but jeno knows he means it. he thinks maybe he can play along.

 

“it’s okay if you hug me now,” he suggestively responds. “you can just kiss me instead when i remember.”

 

it earns him a glare and a hit on the head with a pillow which makes him grunt.

 

and just then, with his impeccable timing, donghyuck walks into the room with a tray of food in his hands and renjun in tow. not even half a second later, jeno finds another crying person in his arms.

 

it’s still not pretty boy.

 

pretty boy does give him a brief smile. but it was enough dream fuel for tonight.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

he wakes up the next morning in deafening silence. it brings him so much panic and so much fear that he screams. he screams loud. he screams for help. he screams for anybody to make it go away--to stop the pain.

 

to stop it.

 

_jeno.._

 

make it stop.

 

_jeno, it’s alright now.._

 

it hurts.

 

_it’s alright, love.._

 

too much.

 

_you’re okay, jeno.. i’m here.. i won’t leave you_

 

a smile appears.

 

_i’m here now.. i’ll be here.. i won’t go anywhere.._

 

a smile so alluring.

 

_jeno.._

 

and there it is. the beautiful smile he had kept in a special place in his heart. the smile he refuses to forget. the smile he dreams about. it’s the smile that still _makes_ him dream at all.

 

it’s his smile.

 

jaemin.

 

it’s _jaemin_ ’s smile.

 

it’s jaemin. jaemin is his name.

 

“jaemin..,” he hears himself sob as he abruptly has his eyes fly open.

 

it was a nightmare.

 

he hears a gasp, too. and that’s when he finds _jaemin_ gaping at him. he’s crying and maybe that’s his fault for even forgetting such a pretty name. it’s his opinion and in this case, it’s the only one that matters.

 

jaemin is weeping and trying to catch his breath. jeno observes how he’s clearly trying to ask if he is alright but at the same time he can’t help but make sure of what he had just heard. “are you-- say that again..,” he breathlessly says.

 

“jaemin..,” jeno grins, a little less disoriented now. he then becomes fully aware of how jaemin has him in his arms. he was probably trying to wake him up from the nightmare.

 

pretty boy who now has a name smiles.

 

finally.

 

jeno could only feel his heart burst in happiness.

 

a happiness he hasn’t felt in so long. the happiness he could only feel with the person he loves. the happiness he could only dream of having back in the city. now, he’s feeling it again--in the arms of his home.

 

just as he remembers jaemin’s smile to be, it’s the brightest, prettiest smile one could ever have the privilege to witness in his whole lifetime. he’s once told jaemin exactly that, but he only hit him in embarrassment.

 

he feels his face being cradled in between jaemin’s hands and he leans in to the touch--a touch so warm that it convinces him that indeed everything is going to be alright.

 

“i’ve waited _so_ long-- i.. i’m sorry i couldn’t-- sorry i couldn’t pretend that nothing was wrong.. that i didn’t miss you.. i couldn’t pretend that _five--_ five long years weren’t painful at all... i couldn’t pretend that nothing changed. i’m sorry i made you forget.. it’s not your fault i..i was scared you will never remember,” jaemin cries. he’s struggling to finish his own words and jeno could only rub circles on the back of his hand with his thumb. “when you weren’t calling even after three days since you went away to chase your dreams, the news about the city being taken in by _them_ broke out.. i was so heartbroken, jeno. i was scared to death. i felt the fear that they took you. i felt the fear that you’re never coming home. and even if you did--,” he gasps. “--even if you did, you won’t be alive and-”

 

he breaks down into another sob and jeno pushes himself up to wrap his arms around him, whispering sweet nothings into his ear. “it’s alright, jaemin. i’m home. i’m home and alive.”

 

as if to emphasize his words, he squeezes the boy in his arms. “see? i’m real. i’m here now.”

 

“i really hope you are,” jaemin whimpers. out of nowhere, he jumps out of jeno’s arms to look him up and down, like he’s checking every inch of him. “are you okay? you had a nightmare! you were crying and--”

 

jeno cups his cheek and it makes him stop. “i’m okay now,” he chuckles. “i’m gonna be honest. there’s probably gonna be a lot of nightmares now that i remember the past five years of my life, but if you stay right with me i think i’ll be fine.”

 

the color of pink tints jaemin’s cheeks. he shakes his head and gazes at the him with concern. “are you sure?”

 

“a hundred percent sure.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

jeno was right. the nightmares did come often since then. but jaemin was never not there for him to change it into a dream. he was always there to hold him in his arms and tell him that he’s safe. he always knew the right words and jeno couldn’t ask for more.

 

maybe if it’s possible, he’d ask for the nightmares to leave him alone.

 

recently, they choose to not turn on the television since the end of the order is still pretty recent enough to still be talked about on the news. he’d also been focusing on reading books.

 

jaemin cooked for them a lot. he’d been in a good mood since jeno said his name after a long time of waiting, always humming tunes that jeno hasn’t heard before but it sounds just like music to his ears.

 

renjun and donghyuck always went out way before the sun was up to do some chores and came home at lunch time. when jeno disappeared, they all figured they should work at the market and find a job there. they don’t always get money, but they do get a lot of fruits and vegetables--if they’re lucky, they get meat too.

 

jaemin didn’t have any motivation to get out of the house for a couple of years. but he did cook for them when he had the energy to use up at all.

that was before he started the rose garden.

 

jeno continued to tend to the rose garden with him the past weeks. just like they did this morning. they trimmed the bushes and watered the plants like they usually do.

 

that’s also when he noticed the new small bushes that are growing next to the last few blooming roses.

 

“jaemin,” he called the other over. the younger approaches him with a bright smile which he gladly returns. “did you.. plant new ones?”

 

a bashful smile appears on his flushed face. “even when you’re already here, it still didn’t feel like you were home. i knew something wasn’t right. i know it was because of me.. and it’s just a name but i still longed for it. i wanted you to say it.” his bashfulness turns into some sort of melancholy. he couldn’t hold jeno’s gaze so he looks down, fidgeting with his fingers. “so i still planted one for every day you didn’t remember my name.”

 

jeno feels his heart break at the thought of jaemin still waiting for him even when he was already there. he takes both of the younger’s hands in his and gave them a gentle squeeze.

 

“jaemin..”

 

this makes jaemin look up. they both look into each other’s eyes. jeno rests his forehead on his without turning his gaze away.

 

“jaemin, jaemin, jaemin, jaemin, jaemin, jaemin,” the older of the two utters other’s name like a mantra.

 

jaemin whines. “stop!”

 

he chuckles, nudging jaemin’s nose with his own. “see? i remember now. i’m here. i’m _home_.”

 

 _pretty boy_ lets out a tiny sob before leaning in to give jeno a peck on the lips which the latter returns with way too much fervor that it immediately transitions from a simple peck to a passionate kiss.

 

the way his lips fit just right against jaemin’s makes way too much sense. the way his heart jumps or flutters or melts or skips a beat when jaemin smiles makes a lot of sense.

 

the way his heart pounds out of his chest when he’s the cause of that beautiful smile makes him certainly right about one thing: he’s definitely home.

 

and he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. to him there’s no dream to find where jaemin isn’t. because his dream is right here in his arms; right where he belongs. his dream is jaemin himself.

 

whether it’s this rose garden or jaemin’s smile or jaemin’s arms around him, it’ll always be jaemin.

 

he won’t forget what he keeps in his heart.

 

because it never forgets.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> pls tell me that was okay uwu
> 
> -hera


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